I just love finery!
Hello, my darlings! My moniker is Puce Higgins T.D. (The T.D. stands for Tasty Dish) I love all of the finest things in life: sipping caviar from the interior of a Louboutin, gem suppositories, silver toilets and golden showers and of course the very finest wines I can put in my mouth.
'How hard could it be to make my own?' I declared in the same tone I used to tell Andrew Lloyd Weber a West-End play about kittens would be a fine idea. And so in the moist tropic air of Key West (the perfect weather to grow wine grapes I assume) I began 'Puce Higgins Winery and Boy Hut.' Though the boys eventually unionized and I was forced to shut down the hut, the grapes didn't.
And thank the maker because I started making good wine. There was only one problem. The wine didn't feel fancy enough.
WHAT MAKES OUR WINE SPECIAL
But I was not to be swayed!
While commiserating about my banal wine with a friend, he offered me a substance called gum. (It's like food but you don't swallow it.) Inside this "gum" were flecks. At first I thought the gum was dirty. However, when I examined the gum's portfolio it declared they were flavored crystals! "What could be fancier than a crystal?" I ejaculated. I was already putting diamonds on the souls of my shoes after a close personal singer friend of mine had pointed out that was possible and they were much fancier now. (The fanciest shoes in all of Key West according to the gossip-sphere.) Why would I deny my wines the same treatment!?
So I got to work and hired a scientist who insisted that he could create wine crystals with something called a laser. And behold he did! It was my wine but now, oh how it would glint in the sunlight! And provide a satisfying crunch when chewed. Now each bottle of my Crystal Key West Chardonnay is fancy enough for the queen if only she had her original teeth. I could not be more excited to share my fanciful wines with you.
The sparkles aren't carbonation. They're wine you can crunch!