Who We Are
We're James and Malvoy Hargumpie
YES WE'RE TWINS! And like most twins we shared everything. Socks. Gum. And our stripped bare testicles hanging between our legs like a hairless cat. We thought, 'We're smart dudes! We fixed boners with a lollypop guys can suck. We just need like an ointment or salve or something for these hairless scrotes." And then BOOM! It hit us-
Introducing TesticulHair a magical cream that’ll slap hair onto your nuts. Now our sacks are like a savage wilderness. Malvoy can’t even find his dick anymore. Shut up James! Anyway we put our heart into this and we hope it changes your life like it changed ours. Also for every tube of TesticulHair we sell we donate one to people in Ghana. Lotta Hairy maneggs there. Lot of Hairy man eggs here!
*points at crotch*
Shut up, bruh.
*jocular twin shoving*
That Magical Cream
This is it. When people talk about a wonder drug they’re talking about TesticulHair. We took all the powerful research we put into our RigidShaft™ Male Enhancement Lollypops and turned it loose on our polished meatballs.
We’ve got more herbs and spices in this tube than the Colonel’s fried chicken. It’s packed to the brim with minerals, vitamins and a special commodogenic moisturizer to keep your sack moist, clean and your testicle hair follicles (bollicles?) stimulated to produce rich downy-soft pubes.
It’s a lot of ingredients but we’re trying to make a lot of hair down there you know? Besides we think you’re totally worth it.
Apply twice daily. Once in the morning after showering. And then once before you go to bed. Rub it in for ten or twenty minutes. You’ll want to get the whole area evenly so make sure you use a relaxed rhythmic motion.
Try the only salve The Fakahatchee Gazette referred to as: 'Oily...slippery and with the subtle tones of ammonia and witch hazel... it...works. "
Dr. Leonard Scroggins
"TesticulHair is a powerful new weapon in the war on testicular baldness. As a doctor I do a lot of physicals and I find that many of my patients testicles are as smooth and shiny as a bowling ball (though not as heavy) when I ask them about it they sheepishly admit yes it bothered them but they thought there was nothing they could do about it. Well, my boy, that couldn't be farther from the truth.
When they hear there's a cream that can help put some fuzz on their testes and in only three short months they can't help but cry. And my word, my office must be full of nude crying men at least two or three times a week.
Sure TesticulHair gives me a lot of pens with the drugs name on it but even if they didn't I would highly endorse this 'magical' cream and frequently prescribe it to my patients!"
© 2020 by Testicle Holdings Ltd.