Automated Transcript Begins:
NightDrive Intro
It's five o'clock and 55 seconds turn on your headlights. It's time for nightdrive.
Horace Wexler 0:02
Good evening and welcome to NightDrive. As always, I'm your host Horace Wexler. It's late and I'm feeling great in this tiny little slice of paradise. But our little slice is getting smaller and smaller, thanks to some unruly tourists. Now I'm not talking about the kind that jaywalk across Main Street in their visors and dayglow neon shorts. No, I am talking about some more aggressive tourists. They're gators, and they are everywhere. Now this would be an annoyance at most if they weren't so amorous, everywhere I turn there seems to be a pair facing off doing an elaborate meeting dance before slamming together with a sound like you're clanking, a pair of boots filled with orange juice together. That wet slap of leather on leather. A quarter of the time it's to fight. Which is definitely exciting to behold from a safe distance, perhaps behind an old Volvo or a short retaining wall, but that other 75% is ooo its pure awkward alligator coitus that frankly, I don't want to see or be anywhere near because it is highly aggressive. And alligators have a permanently erect penis hidden inside their cloaca like the guns from the Robert DeNiro movie taxi driver. This is not something I made up. This is pure, unwanted scientific knowledge. Have these gators been up in your business? I want to hear about it. Call me up ***-***-****
Woo, these gators are everywhere. I've heard people are taking a broom to them to shoo them out of their house. Folks being trapped in cars. Even I, a humble radio host have been harangued and harassed by this gator menace. As I was coming through the alley behind the Downstairs. I'll admit I was a little tipsy. I shouldn't have been in the alley to start with but- but it turns out alleyway Steve's bite was not the bite I needed to be afraid of this evening. Well, if you've ever come out of the back of the Downstairs, you know the door shuts and locks behind you to keep folks from drinking in the alley and sneaking in. So I came out of that door and lo and behold, there was a 600 pound bull gator back there making a right mess of some discarded pizza boxes, presumably to restore its sexual stamina. And the Gator freezes when it catches me in its eyes. And I'm frozen too. Now this was the biggest gator, not necessarily in size as that honor goes to Petunia over at one of Duck's farm who clocks in at 1006 pounds. But it had big gator energy and this energy was was just absolutely palpable. Now the door had locked behind me and I'm standing in his alley and I'm not sure what I'm going to do here. And so me and this- this large lad lock eyes. We've both been interrupted and we're trying to decide if the other is going to try to make something of it. I really do wish I had some sort of brave story about how I cobbled together some sort of weapon and fought this gator to salvation and now it's head hangs as a trophy on my wall but in reality, it was alleyway Steve, who came not to my defense, but to defend his territory, that he screamed in between obscenities, was clearly marked. I've never seen a grown man throw a haymaker at a gator before but- but let me tell you this. It is is awkwardly beautiful as you'd expect. There- there is a real majesty of spirit in it. Regardless of whether it connects with its subject, in this case an absolutely massive Lake Placid stunt double. Well about this time a friendly drunk tried to step out into the alley to piss and so I've arched back inside the downstairs and we shut that door tight behind us.
But- But as we pulled the door closed, man I would swear we saw Steve bite that Gator. Something that Gator was clearly not expecting. I have not heard or seen Alleyway Steve since but I I'm just gonna cross my fingers and and hope he got away since he seemed to have the upper hand when we got that door closed. But um... I don't know. you never know. So, Steve if you're still out there. Thank you. Thank you.
Well, let's get right over to your calls here. That number again is ***-***-**** Let's go over here to line two. Go ahead line two.
Kinsey Birdbagger 4:31
Hi, hi Horace. This is Kinsey, Kinsey Birdbagger.
Horace Wexler 4:36
How are you Kinsey? I understand you had quite the experience recently.
Kinsey Birdbagger 4:41
I did. I did Horace. So... I moved here about four years ago. So I missed the previous appearance of these Gators. And I have been caught totally by surprise. I can't believe that this is a five year cycle. Crazy. I am absolutely gobsmacked by how many and how absolutely amorous these alligators are
Horace Wexler 5:05
Kinsey I was here five years ago and let me tell you- you kind of forget over time just how many gators we are dealing with here.
Kinsey Birdbagger 5:13
It's a downright plague.
Horace Wexler 5:14
It is. It is. So my producer here has noted that you had an especially frightening encounter,
Kinsey Birdbagger 5:21
Right? I did. So I was using the phone booth. You know, the one over on Macklemore street at the corner of Crealty. Right.
Horace Wexler 5:30
Right. The that's the last phone booth in Fakahatchee. The only phone booth in town.
Kinsey Birdbagger 5:35
Yep. Yep. It still works. And it's always clean. Who cleans it?
Horace Wexler 5:40
Yeah, I don't know. No one really seems to know-
Kinsey Birdbagger 5:43
Its a mystery. Well, I was using it to call my friend and I see one of these green monsters turn a corner and waddle up to the booth. And I'm thinking, Okay, okay, don't panic. It's just a gator. You've seen them lots of times under your car, at Duck Winters Gatorganza. Even a tiny one in the mailbox. But then suddenly, there's two. Two bull gators, and then there's three and now- Now I'm not so calm. And then there's a fourth one and Horace, let me tell you by the time the police showed up with the crane. There were 12 gators swarming around me trying to do the hump.
Horace Wexler 5:46
Okay, so let's back up just just real quick here. So ultimately, you had 12 gators swarming around you while you were trapped inside this phone booth.
Kinsey Birdbagger 6:28
I was like a shark diver in those little jails they go underwater in. At one point I can barely see daylight because all those gators were pressing flesh against the glass and trying to get it on. Ugh. It'll haunt me till the day I die. I was banging on the walls desperate. Thank God I was trapped with a phone. At the first sign of trouble I picked up the phone and dialed my friend Joyce who always knows exactly what to do and Joyce said, "Hang up and call the police, girl." And I always do what Joyce says. Four hours later, the sheriff had a crane out there and lifted the whole booth into the sky where the Gators couldn't get at me.
Horace Wexler 7:05
Wow. Wow, that's that's really something.
Kinsey Birdbagger 7:09
I felt like Criss Angel, Horace. Like Criss Angel doing a trick where I disappeared from the Gators. And the sheriff brought me in safe and sound.
Horace Wexler 7:20
Do you know what happened to the gators, Kinsey?
Kinsey Birdbagger 7:22
Um, they got themselves all tied up in the night and couldn't get undone. Like those rats that get tied together.
Horace Wexler 7:32
A Rat King?
Kinsey Birdbagger 7:33
Yeah, but like a gator king. It scurried off into the swamp before the deputies could bring out the flame thrower. So as far as I know, it's still out there. Eughh. Gives me the willies just thinking about it.
Horace Wexler 7:44
Oof me too Kinsey, what a harrowing experience that sounds like. I am glad to hear that- you're okay.
Kinsey Birdbagger 7:51
I'm okay. The phone booth is wrecked also, but I'm okay.
Horace Wexler 7:55
Thanks so much for calling.
Kinsey Birdbagger 7:56
All right, bye now, Horace.
Horace Wexler 7:59
If you're just tuning in, you're listening to NightDrive and we'll be right back with more of your calls. Right after this.
AD - The Spanktuary 8:09
Have you been wronged? This is father Jonah likely reminding you to take some time today to forgive. There's someone in your life that needs your forgiveness, whether it's someone who caused a problem for you or maybe you just need to forgive yourself. Colossians chapter three verse 13. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And then once you're forgiven, *female moan* why not get your tushy down to our big fat mass this Friday. We got two-for-one drink specials, half price lap dances, full on confessions and forgiveness of sins. *sexual panting* Come celebrate the bounties The Lord has given tp Sister Charity and Sister Cashmere. They will hold you to their holy bosom as the Lord holds you to his. *male straining* also you'll see exactly why the Lord needed a rest on that seventh day. Because he spent the sixth chiseling out these abs on our boys. *female hmm* Find all the details and get your daily blessing at the Spanktuary dot net.
Horace Wexler 9:04
Alright, let's get back to the phone lines and go over here to line three. Let's go to line three. Caller you're on the air.
Caller 9:13
Hey Horace, it's Tyler Duncan.
Horace Wexler 9:15
Hey, Tyler. How are these gators affecting you?
Caller 9:18
I gotta tell you these horny alligators are ruining my life.
Horace Wexler 9:22
Yeah, yeah, that seems to be the general consensus, buddy.
Caller 9:25
I can't get a lick of sleep. I got so much stress. I swear. I can't go into a room of my house without two alligators or more doing it in there. They're everywhere. It's a menace.
Horace Wexler 9:37
A menace is right. It's a- it's a real problem. Might be a good time to check into the second floor of a hotel or take to the sea in a boat. But um, keep your chin up. We are- we are going to get through this.
Caller 9:49
All right, bye now Horace.
Horace Wexler 9:50
All right. Thanks for calling Tyler. Let's keep the calls a-rolling and go over here to let's go over here to line five. Go ahead line five.
Caller 9:59
Hi Horace. It's Jim Tree here and-
Horace Wexler 10:00
Hey Jim. How these how these alligators got you feeling
Caller 10:04
You know it's affecting me bad. These horny alligators. Because you know what I'm talking- I consider myself a bit of a bear. Little bit you know a little bit grizzly here and there. So I thought 'horny gators' was just another one of those slang things. Another one of the kids they had a new term for things so I went out there thinking- alligators bears, maybe we can mix it up...
Horace Wexler 10:25
Aw no Jim.
Caller 10:26
It went wrong man and... I lost... I lost it. You know what I'm- they're hoping to reattach it but...
Horace Wexler 10:34
Aw man. Buddy, that's, that's rough stuff.
Caller 10:39
I need to just kind of read up a little bit more in the future, I think but... Thanks, Horace. I'm gonna go.
Horace Wexler 10:46
Thanks, Jim. That's a powerful reminder that you should never, ever try to understand teen slang. Let's go to another call right now.
Fr. Jonah Likely 10:56
Well, hello, Horace. How are you my son?
Horace Wexler 10:59
I'm well. Is this father Jonah Likely?
Fr. Jonah Likely 11:04
This is father Jonah Likely yes.
Horace Wexler 11:06
How are you?
Fr. Jonah Likely 11:07
I thought you would recognize my voice.
Horace Wexler 11:10
Well, a lot of people call me son. A lot of people call me son.
Fr. Jonah Likely 11:13
Right? Well, you've got that- that young son quality to you. If you were here, now. I would tousle your hair. That's for sure.
Horace Wexler 11:21
Right? Right. It's a ton of tousling. How are you handling things over there at the Spanktuary, Father?
Fr. Jonah Likely 11:27
We got a pretty bad case of the Gators here at the Spanctuary. It's been a challenge. God has put this obstacle in front of us um... to test our faith and it seems he's doing a bang up job.
Horace Wexler 11:41
Oh really?
Fr. Jonah Likely 11:42
It's- it's getting to the point, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, we hardly have time to- to do any sermons or serve any drinks. We just have to catch them in the very brief windows where they're napping. We got to serve around them, incorporate them into the show, a lot- a lot of Genesis stuff a lot of serpent things. Just trying to keep it thematic it's the only way it makes sense.
Horace Wexler 12:04
I imagine if you get a few more pairs of animals, you could do like a- like Noah's Ark kind of theme. If that doesn't-
Fr. Jonah Likely 12:11
We tried that. Oh, trust me. We tried. We brought in a few different, you know, parrots, mice, you know, things you can get from a local pet store and- they just served as snacks to the gators if I'm being honest, it was not a pretty sight.
Horace Wexler 12:25
Right. Right. Sort of sort of a mid coitus kind of kind of snack for those gators, I bet.
Fr. Jonah Likely 12:30
Have you seen them together they work up an appetite.
Horace Wexler 12:33
A lot of grabbing and pulling.
Fr. Jonah Likely 12:34
Sure. Well, I think- it makes sense that they were drawn to the Spanktuary because you know, we're pretty cool about that sort of thing. So...
Horace Wexler 12:40
Very, very sex positive. Um, how long you guys gonna leave the Gators inside? Are you going to try to remove them or...? What's the plan?
Fr. Jonah Likely 12:49
Well, I- Horace, I prayed on this night after night, in front of the congregation, in front of the regulars, in front of the winos. I was on my knees until they bled, Horace. And finally, God gave me a vision. I saw myself anointed in holy oils wielding a birch branch and I stood in front of those Gators. And I said, " Gators... shoo. Just go on. Go-go on your merry way." I think that's what God wants wants me to do.
Horace Wexler 13:23
Did the Gators shoo in this vision or did anything about their behavior change?
Fr. Jonah Likely 13:28
Oh, you know, it was one of those things where it just just when you're getting to the good part of the dream. You wake up?
Horace Wexler 13:33
You woke up?
Fr. Jonah Likely 13:35
Yeah. Yeah. I would have liked to have seen how that ended. Would have been useful. But I think this is all part of the- the test of faith. Right?
Horace Wexler 13:43
What are you doing to- to pull this plan together? Right. It seems like a birch branch would be fairly easy to get.
Fr. Jonah Likely 13:49
Yes, the branch I'm actually borrowing from the snake church down the road. I don't I don't know if you're familiar with Pastor Prady Donothing. I call him- I call him pastor Prad. You know, and he likes it. He likes it. But I'm borrowing a birch stick that he uses with his congregation and getting the oils from what was this place... Estee Lauder. Apparently they have some oils there. And I figured I can just grab a couple of local priests and you know do some extra blessing on that oil. That should work. I don't think God's that picky.
Horace Wexler 14:20
And then you're going to wade into these gators for lack of a better word and just drive them out? Is that the plan here?
Fr. Jonah Likely 14:26
That- that is the plan.
Horace Wexler 14:28
No, back up. All by your lonesome?
Fr. Jonah Likely 14:30
I mean, my backup is the big man Horace. He's gonna be right there with me. He won't be as oiled up as I will be. But I mean, he will look he will look better shirtless.
Horace Wexler 14:40
Of course. The book does say, 'God helps those who help themselves.' Is there any sort of help that you're bringing to the party that maybe isn't spiritual support?
Fr. Jonah Likely 14:51
I know I'm gonna have the power of the Lord with me and I think that's all any man needs to move mountains. Yeah, of course the Lord helps those who help themselves. You know, we have regulars that come in on our Thursday night specials and they help themselves to the crab cakes.
Horace Wexler 15:08
Yeah.
Fr. Jonah Likely 15:09
But someone's got to make those crab cakes, Horace. And that's me. I'm gonna wade out into those- those gators and make some metaphorical crab cakes if you will.
Horace Wexler 15:17
I just think Father that you walking into the middle of these gators with a stick- and granted my faith isn't what it used to be-it just feels a little short sighted. I saw Alleyway Steve, I think I was the last one to see him. He's obviously disappeared now. I don't really know what happened to him. But I'd hate to see something bad happen to you.
Fr. Jonah Likely 15:37
See now here- Here's the difference between between me and that fella. My heart bleeds for that man. But I do not think that violence is going to solve this. The birch stick I think is mainly used for balance. I won't be hitting any reptiles. I will kindly ask them to take their orgy elsewhere.
Horace Wexler 15:57
Okay, this Gator conversation is you and you alone and the Gators?
Fr. Jonah Likely 16:03
Yes. I mean, of course, I'll have some Scripture with me that I- that I think will help and maybe be convincing.
Horace Wexler 16:09
Is the oil like a repellent to the Gators in in some way? Or...
Fr. Jonah Likely 16:14
That would- that would make sense. Um. I didn't really question the oils. I mean, someone tells me that oil up. I oil up. And down.
Horace Wexler 16:22
Is it just to make you too slippery for the Gators to get purchase on you? or...?
Fr. Jonah Likely 16:27
Yeah, I suppose that would be a useful defense mechanism. Like I'd be like a greased up pig that they wouldn't be able to hold on to for sure. I think they're gonna see the light of the Lord before they can even get that far if I'm being honest. I mean, you know, St. Francis, you know, he- he spoke with the animals. I don't- I don't I don't think you could find a single reptile who would speak ill of St. Francis.
Horace Wexler 16:50
But I don't think he spoke directly to a lot of the gators. You know, you see a lot of him talking to birds and woodland creatures. Not- Not too many... Giant 1000 pound reptiles.
Fr. Jonah Likely 17:01
Well, yeah, none that was written about.
Horace Wexler 17:04
Fair.
Fr. Jonah Likely 17:05
I would be surprised if he never once met a gator. I mean, they're everywhere, right?
Horace Wexler 17:10
Except in in the ocean where I think they become crocodiles. Don't quote me on that.
Fr. Jonah Likely 17:14
Oh, I never quote you Horace. If I'm being honest.
Horace Wexler 17:17
I'm really nervous about this whole thing. Father, I- I just like to go on record as saying I think this is a horrendously bad idea. That being said, I wish you all the luck. Um...This just seems like a bad idea. Or like you didn't get the rest of the plan in the dream.
Fr. Jonah Likely 17:36
Well, Horace if it'll make you feel better, I will take a nap before I go meet with the gators. And if God has anything that he needs to tell me beforehand, I'll hear it.
Horace Wexler 17:45
Would you postpone it from that point on if God's like, "hey, like you should also have a gun." Are you gonna have time? Are you gonna go straight from that? Are you gonna like postpone?
Fr. Jonah Likely 17:54
Well, I granted I do have a lot of guns. It's a hobby of mine. You could- you could almost call me Saint Desert Eagle. But no, if God told me to pack heat, of course, I would pack. I will bring the hammer down. I will go Old Testament obvious gators if that is the Lord's will.
Horace Wexler 18:14
Okay, I'm just checking. So like, if God was like, Hey, you need a strap. You would strap up. Like you'd be ready to roll out.
Fr. Jonah Likely 18:20
He's the boss man. If he tells me I gotta ride- I'm gonna ride.
Horace Wexler 18:23
I mean, would you maybe consider taking one just in case. Even if God wasn't like, "hey, like you really gotta take a thirty-odd-six with you. Like, would you just like take one just, you know, out of caution.
Fr. Jonah Likely 18:35
Okay, maybe i would strap a cute little thing to my ankle. Just because I like the way it feels. But I won't use it. I won't need it! I think the wood the oil and the Word of God, I think that's gonna do it. I-I'm gonna call you afterwards and we're gonna have a big laugh about it. It's gonna be great.
Horace Wexler 18:54
I absolutely hope so. But I do feel a little bit better knowing that's like you- you have it if you need it. But you don't- you don't want to need it and not have it?
Fr. Jonah Likely 19:03
Yeah, I think you're right. It's been a while just trying to get business running. Business isnt good. Business isn't good. Ugh gotta get rid of these gators.
Horace Wexler 19:12
What- what are the other religious leaders doing about these? This seems like a real boon for the snake church. I'm assuming they like all reptiles, but like, What about the others?
Fr. Jonah Likely 19:23
Yeah, they're just as concerned as I am. And they're- they're equally heartbroken to see what's happened to the Spanktuary. The orgy that has over run our good church here. They've been very supportive. A lot of the dancers have gone to these various churches to- to work there and stay there, spend time there. They've even helped with the- the churches goings on with baptisms and whatnot. Sometimes you come out topless, you know, because old habits die hard. And they've been- they've been very patient but uh, but hopefully they won't have to be there too long. You know, if these gators were paying customers. you know, we'd be doing really well we'd be saving lives, saving souls, and, you know, serving up a few cocktails on the side, and that's cool, but they don't have money, Horace. And they're not- they're not interested in salvation either. So they're pretty useless.
Horace Wexler 20:15
Father, I thank you so much for calling in tonight. I really hope you you take a little something with you. Even if it's just a little snub nosed Saturday night special. I really think that that is the play here. I think we're all going to be really worried about you until we get that call where you're you're laughing but it's great to talk to you.
Fr. Jonah Likely 20:32
It's good talking to you, my son. We will be speaking soon. Don't you worry about that. All right. I'll see you at the Spanktuary. Okay? Speaking of Saturday night specials. We're gonna have one this Saturday night. All right.
Horace Wexler 20:49
We'll be right back for more of your calls and opinions in just a few moments, but maybe grab something to take notes because here comes the Fakahatchee community announcements.
Fakahatchee Community Announcements
The Fakahatchee ammunition bank would like to remind you if you need a little, take a little. And if you've got a lot, give a little. The five year Gator frenzy is the perfect reminder of how easy it is for some of our town's lower income families to disappear without access to precious ammunition. And it doesn't take much of those vital bullets for them to hold their ground. Even as little as a small handful of nine millimeter cartridges could make a real difference in their life and allow them to continue to be valuable members of our community. We'll be dropping off bags on doorstops this Saturday morning, feel free to put whatever ammunition you can spare into those bags, and our volunteers will come by to pick them up. It couldn't be easier to help our brothers and sisters in need.
'Talk it out with your rock out' encourages you to grab your favorite rock even if it's igneous and bring it to the park this Thursday at 5pm to learn more about it from a real geologist, who almost never gets to talk about this stuff outside of work, and certainly not at parties when her husband scolds her for boring people. Learn your rock's secret history, it's exciting creation and why Derek is full of shit: People love hearing about rocks. Just wait and see how many people show up Derek.
If you're coming to Turtledick golf course please be coming to play golf and not to catch a sight of the Fakahatchee Lobsterman we've heard the rumor and no it's not true. He was not here. He didn't shoot a hole in one. How would he even hold a club with lobster hands? It's ridiculous and no one here has seen it. What we have seen is 18 glorious holes that will challenge an experienced player with fast greens, long drives and slick balls. Anyone not here to play a round, will be kindly asked to leave.
Alright, that's your Fakahatchee community announcements lots. Lots of things to keep in mind there. I do love the outreach that the Fakahatchee ammunition bank does. That's obviously really important work and I do hope you will donate whatever unused ammunition you have. It's great way to to pull out some of those old shotgun shells that you're not using or- or go through your cabinet or your gun safes and you know- just help out, it's it's an easy way. Let's get right back to your calls and opinions. Right now. Let's go over here to line one line one go ahead
James Olpepper 23:28
Hey, Horace, James Olepepper here.
Horace Wexler 23:32
Hey Mr. Olepepper. How are ya?
James Olepepper 23:35
Ah, yeah. been better. Thanks for asking. I was- trapped in my bathroom by one of the Gators for 15 hours yesterday.
Horace Wexler 23:46
Oh, no.
James Olpepper 23:48
Well, yeah, I thought it was gonna be like an okay thing because I thought I had left my book in there from when I did my toileting. But I had misplaced it. I- anyway, somewhere around our 12, I started looking at the grout like, like really looking at it and... I'm thinking, 'wow, that could use a bit of a scrub a dub and cleaner was right under the sink so.. I started scrubbing and next thing I know, I wake up and I don't have any idea what time it is. Apparently the the grout cleaner is supposed to be used in a well ventilated area. And in my head I'm like, 'now you tell me. and I guess at some point the Gator wandered off to do its business somewhere else so... I was free but I had a real bad headache.
Horace Wexler 24:45
Oh, that's too bad.
James Olepepper 24:47
Yeah, I didn't finish the grout either. Horace, listen. Listen up- all these gators, right? It's It's weird, isn't it?
Horace Wexler 24:59
Yeah. A Little bit but apparently it's on a kind of yearly cycle and so every five years these guys- these guys pop up.
James Olepepper 25:06
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah... I know what science is saying. But how do we know this isn't a you know, tied to the Gator farms? hunh Horace? we've got two of em now. Two gator farms. Maybe that's to-to-to-to-too many.
Horace Wexler 25:28
Oh, what are you saying?
James Olpepper 25:29
Maybe something that Duck guy is doing is making this happen.
Horace Wexler 25:33
So you're saying Duck Winters caused this.
James Olpepper 25:37
I'm not saying anything. I'm just saying we've got a gator man in town and suddenly... the town is full of Gators, man...Okay, I guess I was saying something.
Horace Wexler 25:50
But- but connecting random dots doesn't necessarily make a picture. It might just make a mess.
James Olpepper 25:55
I don't know. I'm just connecting dots here. Maybe there's a picture at the end if we connect them up and that picture is an alligator with its dork hanging out as it sits on top of a police car.
Horace Wexler 26:09
But connecting random dots doesn't necessarily make a picture it might just make a mess.
James Olpepper 26:14
Horace. Horace. Horace. I know what you're gonna say. Every time something happens in town we send a deputy over to Duck Winters gators- but frankly I as a voter always feel a bit better knowing there's a deputy there. *extended old man noises* I don't trust the guy. That's uh- Too many gators for one person.
Horace Wexler 26:44
But he runs a gator farm.
James Olpepper 26:46
Eh run it with one gator, maybe two tops.
Horace Wexler 26:49
That's- that's not many Gators.
James Olpepper 26:52
How many gators do I need to see if I've seen two? I've seen them all. Especially, if one's really big and one's really small. My mind can kinda you know fill in the gaps between all that I don't need to see every Gator in every size.
Horace Wexler 27:12
But it's not just about seeing them and- and frankly can- can we agree here that the Gators are Duck's product so to speak?
James Olpepper 27:20
Fine. Sure.
Horace Wexler 27:23
Then would he want his products all over town?
James Olpepper 27:27
No, probably not. Neither do oil pumpers with a big leak in the Gulf or whatever. They don't want their oil out there but their- their oil is still out there.
Horace Wexler 27:43
I don't think this is a gator spill.
James Olpepper 27:46
Your- you're not gonna change my mind, Horace. I think it his fault? Just- Just send a deputy that's all I'm asking? Maybe leave one their permanently. Maybe shut the farm's down. Maybe feed Duck to his own gators. I dunno.
Horace Wexler 28:08
I don't think that'll happen.
James Olpepper 28:10
But uh maybe it should Horace. Maybe it should. Well better get back to this grout and also clean up the blood on the tile from where I hit my head, I think. I can't decide if I hope this is my blood or not.
Horace Wexler 28:23
All right, well, best of luck. And you know, be careful out there.
James Olpepper 28:28
Alright. Well, Keep- keep it real.
Horace Wexler 28:31
If you haven't called yet to share your opinion or how these gators are just really, really screwin with your day. I want to hear you. I want to hear your call. Give me a call right now at ***-***-**** that's the number that you would have to call to to be on Nightdrive and get your voice out over the airwaves and let your piece be heard by all the people here in Fakahatchee.
And some of you can't make it to the phone tonight. Maybe because there's some giant engorged gator napping between you and the phone. But maybe my dulcet tones have lured it into a fitful sort of sleep. Good boy. Such a- such a slick lizard. Oh. You're so scaly sleep. Go to bed, sweet baby. You both feel safe. But you worry if you make any sort of move- you'll rouse the Gator. Well, I've got your back right here. Unless there's a gator between you and the computer in which case, you'll just have to be alone with your thoughts. But there was no gators stopping these folks from emailing and tweeting at us.
Emails and Tweets
Like Victoria Sprout who tweeted at NightDrive FM to say- hate to hear that about Steve. I always used to flash a little ankle his way as I passed to get him riled up like a factory worker in the 1800s. I certainly hope he's okay. Me too, Victoria, It was a completely selfish act on his part that ended up being selfless. Um I don't know if I Alleyway Steve tweets. If he- if he can tweet but Victoria... actually, let's all use the Twitter hashtag 'you can grab me by the ankle you king' to let alleyway Steve know that we're thinking about him wherever he is out there.
Chaddish Bradsworth hit us up on NightdriveFMinsta with- with a gator who seems to be wearing some sort of shiny club wear. It's way too tight. I cannot imagine that Gator is at all comfortable but it is right tarted up and is clearly on the prowl. That is- that is one slutty alligator. In the comments here he says he threw his stepsister's dress on the gator while she was sleeping. I'm assuming he means the Gator, but it's not entirely clear he's not robbing his stepsister while she's asleep. Either way, the end result seems to be a job well done that gator goin' get it. Thanks very much, Chaddish.
Judith Hamburger also tweeted at us at NightDriveFM. Oh, okay. This is- this is thread one of four here. Horace. These gators are making me crazy. I've got a bunch of babies all over the linoleum here and I cannot take a step without accidentally stepping on one and having it snap on me. Frankly, there's too many here to shoot. I think I might just need to get a hockey stick to slap shot them out of the house. I thought this was about gator mating. And these just look way too young to be doing the deed. Thanks for tweeting at us Judith. I would say if you're not working on your Puck power, I think a shopbroom works pretty well as well. I would just worry that a hockey stick might explode the babies with a- with a strong slap shot just making an absolutely terrible mess. It's great stuff. Thank you so much for your emails and tweets, but we're gonna get back to your calls... right after this.
AD - The LEG 31:57
You might know me as Alleyway Steve purveyor of exotic delights and muncher of ankles. Well, the curtain sheet doth set on my latest curiosity. THE LEG. But time is running out as The Leg is in its final days. See the leg! That no amount of refrigeration, could preserve. Don't be the only one in town who hasn't laid eyes upon it's ethereal, yet earthly beauty. Literally this thing is getting pretty tricky to deal with from a stink perspective. But if you've book now I'll throw in clothespins for your nose to banish its vapors from your smellbox. The leg has been called a grim testament to the fleeting beauty of human existence by Billiam T. Hesterhoffen of the Fakahatchee Gazette and some tourists from Kentucky were pretty impressed it was a real leg after I let them touch it. No guarantees if you come though. We're in our final weeks so if you miss the leg, it can only be your fault!
Horace Wexler 33:15
I'm told The Leg has been closed the last couple days. It's currently unclear if this is because of leg related issues or the disappearance of alleyway Steve. Um it feels a little weird to call it a disappearance like he was kidnapped or something but I haven't seen him so maybe just call and check to see if it's open before you just show up randomly. Let's get back to more of your calls right now. Let's go over here to line four go ahead line four.
Duck Winters 33:44
Hey Horace, it's Duck Winters.
Horace Wexler 33:46
Hey Duck, how are you?
Duck Winters 33:48
Well not great Horace. Honestly not great at all. There's a bunch of gators running around.
Horace Wexler 33:53
Yeah, you telling me? The whole town is overrun.
Duck Winters 33:58
It's crazy right now. Okay, I'm telling you, I'm telling everybody. I mean this has been terrible for the Gator farm.
Horace Wexler 34:05
I mean how so? Like you guys have a lot of gators it just kind of seems like having more gators wouldn't wouldn't really hurt- you of everyone would be prepared for this.
Duck Winters 34:15
Oh yes. Yeah, just gators everywhere. This is why you don't run a gator farm. And you run a radio show. Okay,there's gators everywhere. You know you don't buy the milk when the cow's giving it away for free. People want to see a gator show? They just open up their goddamn eyes and they take a look at all the Gators. Okay? I mean there gators goin' everywhere and they're doing things Horace. They're doing a lot of things. I think you know what I'm talking about.
Horace Wexler 34:34
I think it's fair to say these gators are very, very horny.
Duck Winters 34:37
You can't have an eight year old go outside with his eyes open unless he wants to grow up real quick.
Horace Wexler 34:42
Right? An awful lot of explaining to do-
Duck Winters 34:46
I see- I work at a gator farm. I see Gator penises all the time and let me tell you they're still there when I close my eyes, okay, they are- they are etched into memories and they are just running around willy nilly. It's like spring break down here.
Horace Wexler 34:58
You- you talk about this hurting your business, have guests to the Gator farms dropped off in attendance?
Duck Winters 35:04
What guests? I don't have guests! Nobody's making a reservation at the Gator farm when you can just walk outside and see a show. Okay. I mean, why come down to the gator farm? And pay for family fun and entertainment, when you have Gator porno outside your front door?
Horace Wexler 35:19
Yeah, I mean, I guess it doesn't really make sense to spend the money.
Duck Winters 35:23
You know how many nipples gators have? I mean they go to town on each other? And then they go downtown on each other. I mean, they are just runnin tour groups around each other's bodies. I'm not saying it's not entertaining. I mean, that's partially why I have a gator farm. For the free entertainment to be honest, but it's just really competing with my business model.
Horace Wexler 35:44
I mean, do you at least get to like scoop up some free gators at less than market price? Or?
Duck Winters 35:49
Oh, you think I'm just gonna scoop up some gators and put them in the Gator farm? That's actually- god damn Horace. You should run a gator farm. That's a real good idea. I mean, I didn't really think of it like that. I was thinking it was taking away from my business. But you're looking at this as an opportunity. You know, I can just take a rake and just- just rake them on in.
Horace Wexler 36:09
Yeah, I mean, I have to imagine that you could like take a shop broom and push them on the other side of the fence. I don't know. I'm not the Gator guy here.
Duck Winters 36:17
You got a gator rake?
Horace Wexler 36:19
I don't. Is that- Is that a brand? Or is that like a specific sort of kind of rake?
Duck Winters 36:25
I think it'd be more like a rake thats specifically designed for Gators. I mean, to be honest, I don't think they make it but I was thinking I- you know, put it out there into the world and see if it comes back.
Horace Wexler 36:35
Well, hey, that- that might be a lucrative opportunity for you to-
Duck Winters 36:40
I've been gettin into energy, Horace. I've really been gettin into crystals. And you know, just kind of that Hollywood, whoo, whoo hoo, doo kind of thing and just kind of putting things out there and hoping they come back, you know, because I did. I have some gators up on my vision board *laughs* and look at what happened.
Horace Wexler 36:59
Do you think this is? Is because of your vision board? Or do you have any sort of speculation on on what kind of causes this five year cycle of gators?
Duck Winters 37:07
I mean, I hope my vision board has something to do with it. Because the other thing on my vision board is to be a contestant on Wheel of Fortune. Because I think I could really clean up because I always play. And I get it before the other people on the TV. So I think I'd have a real shot. You know, being on the show and making some real real good money.
Horace Wexler 37:27
I didn't know you were a wheel watcher.
Duck Winters 37:30
It's like one of those things- its a- it's one of those bio metrics I use to judge a person if they watch Wheel of Fortune. I'm like good people. And if they don't then I'm just like, 'mm. No. Hard pass." I always like the end when you can choose your own letters. I always choose G A T O R. Because one of these days the puzzle is going to be gator and I'm going to be made in the shade.
Horace Wexler 37:51
Yeah, it'll be it'll be like- 'Burt Reynolds movie.' And you'll be like g at o r and you'll be in!
Duck Winters 37:58
Yeah, that played at my wedding. I love Gator.
Horace Wexler 38:00
Well, Duck, let me ask a question. I know some of the town is maybe looking for- for a scapegoat or some sort of reason. We've had some calls that have talked about putting a deputy or- or at least some of the trailblazers back out at your farm. Is that an issue for you? Do you feel-?
Duck Winters 38:18
What? Everybody looking for Scape Gator? What are they gonna do? The gators aren't at the farm! The Gators are in the community, quite frankly. I think they should have deputies in downtown where there is the largest concentration of Gator semen because that stuff is slippery. Okay, and when somebody slips on a public sidewalk, there's gonna be coming- coming at thecity. Okay, and the city's gonna have to pay him out. And right now it's like an ice skating rink down there. You got to wear suits with traction, otherwise you are gonna sprain your ankle on some semen. And that's a fact.
Horace Wexler 38:47
Is that- I didn't realize it was so slippery.
Duck Winters 38:50
Horace. I saw a guy cross country skiing the other day, okay? And it's never snowed here. So you better be picking up what I'm putting down because he was just cruising through the jizz. Y'all better change your windshield wiper blades because they're going to get a workout.
Horace Wexler 39:02
Yeah, I think I'm probably gonna get a big pair of Wellington boots maybe.
Duck Winters 39:06
I mean, you put a garbage bag around your kid, you can give them- give them one of the weirdest slip-and-slides you ever thought of.
Horace Wexler 39:11
Oh, oh, I would not take my kids outside during this. Absolutely not.
Duck Winters 39:15
I mean, you know, I guess depends on how cool your kid is.
Horace Wexler 39:18
Yeah, yeah, it has to be like a pretty chill kid.
Duck Winters 39:23
I mean, you know we are just we're doing some damage, Horace. I mean it's a real trauma factory out there now. I mean, even if I take a couple gators here and there that ain't gonna make a dent. All right? And I don't understand why people are mad at me you know they think, 'Oh gators! Oh blame the Gator farm." You know it's like- when there's a flood you don't blame the waterpark, okay?
Horace Wexler 39:42
Yeah, I mean, that's a- that's a very fair point.
Duck Winters 39:44
Yeah. And, you know, the flood was partially caused by the waterpark, but I mean, you know, whatever. That's neither here nor there anywhere.
Horace Wexler 39:50
Well, yeah. Can I- Duck- Can I ask you a question real quick and this is based more on your Gator expertise. Not so much as did you or did you not cause this?
Duck Winters 40:00
Yeah, it was like, Oh, I wish I could cause a gator pandemic. Okay, because if I could do that I wouldn't be running a gator farm. I'd be running the world okay? Just make gators come up. Do my bidding. Come all over everything. You know, give me a million dollars or I'll make it happen again. I wish I could do all that.
Horace Wexler 40:17
Some sort of Gatormancer or the Gator King. And well, actually speaking of Gator King, so uh- somebody who- who called in earlier. Who was trapped in a phone booth- they're safe. But they said that they saw about 11 or 12 gators become tangled and essentially become like a rat king but with Gators. Is this something you've ever seen before?
Duck Winters 40:39
My daddy told me about it. I never thought it was real. But you're telling me this guy saw- he saw a gatorking?
Horace Wexler 40:45
Well, it was a woman. But- but yeah, that is what she thinks she saw. It was horrible. tangled mess of gators go off into the swamp.
Duck Winters 40:55
You know, I don't know what's more surprising? The fact that a gatorking could be real, or the fact that I just assumed it was a man who told you about the Gator King. Not that it would be a woman. You know, I'm really learning a lot right now Horace about the toxic masculinity that just pervades all aspects of life. You know, I want to apologize to that woman and the imaginary man I assumed that woman to be.
Horace Wexler 41:18
That's fair.
Duck Winters 41:19
Listen, a gator- a gatorking? I've never seen one. I've only heard about it. And I would say I read about it. But I don't read that good. So I try not to focus on the reading. You know, that's why I like Wheel of Fortune cause it's like, short and sweet. Types of houses: mansion. I've got that. Okay, but when it's like a whole book about a mansion, it's like, *laughs*I don't have all year. All right, you know what I mean? Gatorking wow- you know what's funny? Is that if it was a king gator. That would be one gator. And that'd be the the gator that rules all the other gators with an iron fist like in that documentary Game of Thrones. But this is a Gator King. So there's a lot of different tales going on there. And it's just one of the things I love about words. Is that they could just mean so much. You know?
Horace Wexler 42:05
Yeah, it's true.
Duck Winters 42:07
Like one time I put shampoo on my shopping list, but I forgot to write the 'S'. And so then I was at the store looking at my shopping list. And I was like, "What? Ham poo? I don't want any ham poo. That's disgusting. Why'd I write that? That is crazy. Right? One letter shampoo / hampoo. What's going on?
Horace Wexler 42:26
Right? It's so easy for something to become something else. It just like yeah, how gators can can sort of glom together and make a Gator King.
Duck Winters 42:38
I mean, they are terrifying beasts. Okay, you know, like, the only time you want to gator on you, is when it's in the form of a boot. But you know, when the gators are living and are on you, they can be a real nuisance. Because they bite! Yeah, Gator King is really effective at biting. I mean, you know, there's a lot of mouths going on right there. You know, but I gotta tell you, I've heard about it. I've talked about it. And so far as I could surmise with the expertise of the experts that I expert with, it seems like it's also a kind of a massive sex thing. You know, it's kind of a big old, like, 70s cocaine fueled orgy, where they're just tied together, but they're just rubbing on each other willy nilly to scan out that, um, you know, that, um, what's the scientific word for it... spunk. And it's just making them real slippery, where they're just kind of shooting around the downtown, like a big ole pinball, you know, bouncing around and you know, getting the high Gator boner score. You know what I mean, jellybean?
Horace Wexler 43:34
Right? Are there any sort of precautions that people should take above and beyond?
Duck Winters 43:39
Yeah! Move.
Horace Wexler 43:40
Well- that's fair.
Duck Winters 43:42
Yeah, that'd be the best thing you can do. But most people can't do that. So I'd say hunker down, close your eyes. And don't look at any of it. Cuz you know, that's gonna spoil the show when you come on back to the Gator farm. Yeah, no worries. real tough right now, to be honest, because I mean, everybody's- they're seeing so much better stuff than they'll ever see at the gator farm. And they're gonna have come to the Gator farm and they're gonna be like, Oh, this is definitely not as entertaining as last Wednesday.
Horace Wexler 44:04
Well, I mean, you sanitize it a little bit for the families down at the Gator farm. I know. And this is, this is very raw.
Duck Winters 44:12
I was gonna do a gator farm after dark show. But you know, can't do that now. I mean, I've taken a lot of video. I've been working a lot with this Imovie on my phone. And I was thinking of getting into filmmaking. No big deal but I'm a man of many talents.
Horace Wexler 44:27
Right. I have you put that up on your your board. Your vision board?
Duck Winters 44:32
Yeah, that's on my vision board. And yeah, I'm hoping with my wheel of fortune winnings when that happens I can get some more equipment and hire some people start like Duck Winters, you know, film production studio, you know something real classy. Just do a lot of gator porn because I think a lot of people would be interested in seeing that. You know, they say they say tell the story, you know, tell what you know and if there's one thing I know it's sex with Gators. I mean, not me personally, but you know watching it. You know, we all have our- our-we all have it Horace. We all- we all have it.
Horace Wexler 45:03
Yeah obviously, in the opening the show I talked about what- what very well could have been Alleyway Steve's final moments where he bit a bull gator in in the alley. What sort of hope should we hold out for here is he a goner what do you think?
Duck Winters 45:22
I mean I- You know what's less than none? Okay maybe like a little less than that. I mean it's just-there's no way. I mean he was in an alleyway- you know how we always like to jump out and scare people he probably did the same thing to a gator and that's the last thing he ever saw. Now I'm not saying its a good thing that happened but I am- you know, well, hell! Like, I hated walking down alleyways because Alleyway Steve would always come out and try to bite me. You know? So I mean, I guess that's one of the silver linings is that the city is a little bit cleaner... Except for all the Gators semen. That's that's- gonna take a while to get out cause that stains. That is like pomegranate juice.
Horace Wexler 45:56
So it stains it stains white? Is that- is that what you're saying?
Duck Winters 46:00
It's gonna look real streaky.
Horace Wexler 46:02
Do you have any advice for mayor Mikey DuSoleil about maybe how to like, get these gators out of here a little faster or anything of that note?
Duck Winters 46:12
I say you know what if we could just like- Do I have any advice for- for Mikey? Yeah. uh- F*&K You. Okay about that?
Horace Wexler 46:22
Sounds like you're still a little sore about the uh- the mayor's race.
Duck Winters 46:25
Yeah, cuz that's advice he can actually follow. Okay. You want me to clean it? You know, you want the Gators gone? You elect Duck Winters mayor. They'll be gone tomorrow, but I'm not gonna do it unless I get to be mayor. That's all I gotta say about that.
Horace Wexler 46:35
It's a strong platform. It's a pity that everyone kind of forgets this happens every five years and we're always surprised by it somehow. I don't know. On that note, Duck. Is there anything else you'd like to share before I let you go?
Duck Winters 46:52
Anybody has like a shopbroom? If you could drop that off down at the gatorfarm? Also if anybody knows anybody who works for Wheel of Fortune. You could uh- give ole- give old Duck Winters a call? I'd be- be- mucho gracias.
Horace Wexler 47:05
All right, Duck. We'll talk to you soon. All right. All right. Let's go over here to line two.
Caller 47:12
Horace this is Jimmy Easterton-
Horace Wexler 47:14
Hey, Jimmy, what's on your mind tonight?
Caller 47:17
I just wanted to say that with all these horny alligators just doing it all over the place. There's been a lot of spurting going on.
Horace Wexler 47:23
Right right slippery stuff. Slippery stuff.
Caller 47:26
And I didn't know what I was gonna do with it. But then I had an idea.
Horace Wexler 47:29
Oh, yeah?
Caller 47:29
It looks kind of like cream. So I put some in my coffee. *Horace objects* And I tell you what makes it tastes just like chicken. Well, I'm gonna go bottle it. But I want you to have the inside knowledge, Horace. Go ahead and try some of that in your coffee. But don't steal my idea.
Horace Wexler 47:43
Absolutely not. to both of them.
Caller 47:46
All right. Have a good one now.
Horace Wexler 47:48
Well, as long as the one you're talking about is a good day and not a gator spunk chicken, java, but you do you, Jimmy. Woo. Thanks for the call. All right, that is going to do it for us tonight. At least on the air. During the last break. My producer said one of the Gators has gotten into the station and apparently is outside the studio door. So I think we're going to be here for at least a little bit longer until it decides to shuffle off. Hopefully we'll be able to leave before 'Good Morning Sunbuns' begins but- I do understand if we end up stuck here that you've got a great show tomorrow. Right Tiffany?
Tiffany Bunzel Interstitial 48:27
Thanks Horace. Tomorrow morning on Good Morning Sunbuns with Tiffany Bunzel. I'll find out if you can bake a stripper into a cake for a friend's bachelorette party without committing manslaughter. We'll explore the wide world of animal extinction betting. I'm shorting polar bears for huge gains. And we'll meet 112 year old resident of Tampa who can't hear any of the questions I'm yelling at her! That's all coming up tomorrow morning at 5am on Good Morning Sunbuns.
Horace Wexler 48:53
That sounds like a real heck of a show you got going on there tomorrow morning. Well as always, it has been a privilege to be here with you this evening.
If you enjoyed the show, you can rate or review the show which helps other people find it. But not nearly as much as taking weed killer to a high school football field to write out 'Listen to nightdrive' in 10 foot tall letters, which let's be honest, can also double as the perfect senior prank. You can reach the show on twitter at nightdriveFM on Instagram at nightdriveFMinsta, or on Reddit at r/nightdriveFM. As always, there's an open invitation to join the discord. You just have to reach out and ask for an invite a lot of friendly people in there. They're just waiting to get to know you. Why does that sound like an ad for Hot singles? I don't know I apologize. I don't know if there are Hot singles in there or not. We haven't we haven't done any sort of poll. If you really love the show, Why not become one of our patrons and support the show @patreon.com/nightdrive. We use that money for hosting for the podcast, bandwidth for thefake websites, sound gear etc. If you don't want to? Just know that's fine also. I'm not going to show up at your house and try to beat it out of you. That is a terrifying prospect for both of us because I am not very strong.
Want to get that nightdrive look? Nightdrivemerch.com will take you to storefronts where you can get shirts, and stickers and the season one night drive poster. When does season one end? I have- I have zero idea, but we'll both- we'll both know when it happens. Want to get a free poster, check out a contest we're doing for the best fakahatchee mayor's Day Parade theme. The rules are over on patreon @patreon.com/nightdrive. And then you can just send me your theme however, through the social nets, any of the other ways to get a hold of the show, and I'll post it up there for the community to vote on. As Patreon is being jerks about who can comment but the winner will get a positively eye melting poster which is like worth like a bazillion dollars or something. Just please don't get it appraised.
NightDrive is produced by Michael Truly and it's hosted by a man who's seen the grass on the other side. And it's not so much greener as better fertilized and a bit more lush, Horace Wexler. The callers were ably played with the rat-a-tat-tat of a carpet bagging Poughkeepsie hustler by Casey Redmon, Ronald Babcock and K. Santos I'd also like to thank our lightning callers, Nathan Greenaway, Drew Ensz and John Constantine. Also a very special thank you to our musical guests- Chess boss for not kicking any trash bins so hard they explode.
So it's five o'clock and until Tiffany takes over at five o'clock. Here's four and a half hours of government mandated buzzing I'm required to- no. You know what? I'm not gonna air it. I'm not gonna air the buzzing. No buzz. I'm Horace Wexler. Keep NightDriving.
*a distinct lack of buzzing*