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Worst Animal, Enough Blood For a Puddle, Mayor's Day Float - Transcript

Updated: Aug 3, 2021

Transcript Begins:

Horace Wexler 0:02

That was the great saxophonist Leo nard patio Manchester with Saks Fifth Ave. It's 5pm with no sign of stopping. You're listening to Fakahatchee radio- KFAK. I'm Horace Wexler.

Fakahatchee News Intro0:19

The wind is very expensive. Cocaine and a crack pipe in the car. And I said, UhOh, that doesn't sound good, but yet you continue to trash her. Okay, I'm done with this, sorry.

Horace Wexler 0:30

Here are the headlines from around the globe currently trending on the Fakahatchee Gazette dot com website Fakahatchee Gazette dot com. You want some news? Fine if you love it so much, why don't you just marry the news? "How many horses you got in that thing?" yells stranger to you at gas station. Aging grandmother refers to mystery item as 'ethnic food' later revealed to be spaghetti. Republicans issue thank you to polite democrats who insisted on kneecapping their own bill. And more of that thing you hate just around the corner squatting quietly with a tire iron. And now turning to American news.

Earlier this afternoon at a press conference, the CDC announced exciting new diseases that are just around the corner for 2021 and beyond. To tell us more about the CDC's current research. I'm joined now by Heftin Brigsby, the Public Relations Director for the CDC. HeftinThanks for joining us, and thank you for the exclusive on what the CDC has been working on.

Heftin Brigsby - CDC PR 1:37

Hi, Horace. It's my pleasure. Glad to be here.

Horace Wexler 1:40

I know some of our listeners are excited about the possibility of something new around the corner. Can you share with us some of what we could be looking forward to in 2022?

Heftin Brigsby - CDC PR 1:50

We couldn't be more pleased to announce some of the new diseases we've been researching that are already in the pipeline. But don't be disappointed, Horace most are headed for a late decade rollout. So 2022 might be a bit early. But you know, there's a lot to look forward to and get hyped about like we say at CDC, "Catch the fever." You know what I'm saying?

Horace Wexler 2:11

So what are you changing about your approach in the future?

Heftin Brigsby - CDC PR 2:14

Look, here at the CDC, we had to take a hard look at some of the current diseases and really face some uncomfortable truths. Measles? Sure it was fun and retro for a hot minute, but it's not the kind of ongoing disease millennials crave.

Horace Wexler 2:28

Interesting. So will this be the end of measles as we know it?

Heftin Brigsby - CDC PR 2:32

Oh, no, no, measles is great. We love measles. And measles will always have a place in our heart. But we need to look to the future. Millennials don't want their father's or grandfather's diseases. They're looking for us to push the envelope and bold new ways. Ways that go beyond the kinds of things we're currently facing.

Horace Wexler 2:49

Well okay. What sort of ways are you talking about?

Heftin Brigsby - CDC PR 2:52

Well, for example, coughing and sneezing? We know. it's tired, right? We've heard the feedback from the fans, and we've seen the reviews. So we're retiring those symptoms in favor of new ones.

Horace Wexler 3:03

You know, I'm an old fashioned guy, maybe I love the classics too much. I am a bit skeptical here. What kind of new symptoms are you guys talking about here specifically?

Heftin Brigsby - CDC PR 3:14

Well, Horace, I don't want to make an official announcement. But Gosh, we're so very excited over here that I'd just like to tease you with just a few symptoms. Coughing out black dust, for instance. We think this is an innovation over wet mouth particles and aerosolized droplets. And it could be very big with the vaping crowd. Also, another one of these new diseases will feature blood leaking from your rectum.

Horace Wexler 3:36

Oh, my God, that's a symptom?

Heftin Brigsby - CDC PR 3:38

Now, it's just enough to be annoying. We're still refining the flow between a few drips and a steady stream, but our market research is showing that it definitely needs to be 'puddle generating' and not just, 'underwear soaking.'

Horace Wexler 3:49

Yeah, okay.

Heftin Brigsby - CDC PR 3:50

We also know the younger generation just loves GIFs, can't get enough of them. So we got some diseases with real memeworthy skin conditions. Oh, and here's one that is still a bit of a ways out, we think folks are going to go wild for it. And when we get to market testing, it's going to shoot through the roof. Now, this disease doesn't kill you outright, but one of the symptoms is it lowers your immune system to generate the perfect growing conditions in your orbital sockets for a muscle eating fungus. So if it's not treated pretty quick, the fungus eats away your oculus muscles and your eyeballs turn black... and fall out.

Horace Wexler 4:24

Holy shit.

Heftin Brigsby - CDC PR

*laughs* That's what our scientists said also. So funny that you say that. Now we're very excited about the possibilities. And when people think about infectious disease, we want to make sure that they think about the CDC first, and we think that's going to be a real possibility.

Horace Wexler

Well, I'm sure our listeners will be looking out for all of these exciting new symptoms and diseases in the future. Thank you so much for joining us. Heftin.

Heftin Brigsby - CDC PR 4:48

Thank you, Horace. Hey CDC catch the fever!

Horace Wexler 4:51

Microsoft is pulling the plug on its chatbot Tay again, possibly for the final time. Previously Tay, a Twitter chat bot power by a Microsoft programmed AI algorithm, who was supposed to become smarter in the wild, had been suspended for using racist language when responding to users last year. After pulling the chat bot offline spending hours working and recalibrating the algorithm and also demanding it apologize and mean it- Scientists had hoped Tay had learned its lesson and late last week they rereleased the chatbot back onto Twitter, where it seemed to be humming along contentedly. But now Tay is accused of soliciting nudes, liking racy posts, typing out girl with a u instead of an 'i' and being generally far too horny on Main.

Microsoft Scientist 5:38

Tay was, as they say, thirsty, perhaps too thirsty for the timeline. At what point he joined in on a trending Twitter topic asking every other user if they would, "get down on it." And posting pictures of Abs. He's a chatbot he doesn't have Abs he's not even a he. So... the question really remains whose abdominal muscles was he posting? We had to- we had to pull the plug. but not before he posted a bunch of the drooling emojis under a picture of Lola Bunny from Space Jam. Yes, she was at attractive cartoon rabbit, but we think it's best he cools it-

Horace Wexler 6:16

Microsoft has said they're evaluating Tay and trying to decide if maybe getting the chatbot laid would solve or exacerbate the problem. But warned this was brand new territory for science. And now turning our eye toward that big watery ball we all like to splash around on in outer space. It's "Eye On The Planet" with Chuchi Bonhomme.

Chuchi Bonhomme 6:41

Hello, Chuchi Bonhomme here. With all the doom and gloom in the world, sometimes it's easy to forget, there's still things yet to be discovered. Like a half-open yogurt in the back of a fridge. And it takes a scientist to discover that yogurt. But unlike a yogurt, science can't just throw whatever it finds back in the bin- if it's a bit shit. And so earlier today, science announced the discovery of a brand new animal deep in the Amazon. The animal previously unseen by human eyes is the discovery and only result of a $20,000,000. Ten year government funded research project into soil substrates along the Amazon River.

Vaustad Conglomeran - Researcher 7:21

It's a jiggly sort of goo it's brown and slimy. It's really off putting its eyes are all white. As a scientist I can easily say it's my least favorite animal and frankly, I wish I could undiscover it. Thinking about it out there in the world. It just makes me sick.

Chuchi Bonhomme 7:38

That's researcher Vaustad Conglomeran, the discoverer of the shitpileous garbageous talking about her find. She along with six other researchers inadvertently found the animal hiding in some soil samples they had quickly scraped from the bottom of a river. And she's not alone in her sentiment, as other members of the team have called it ghastly, a grim reminder of God's sense of humor, and, thankfully the only one of its kind. But wildlife lovers everywhere desperately gritted their teeth and done their very best to embrace the new animal that was described by its discover as:

Vaustad Conglomeran - Researcher 8:12

Horrible to look at nauseating. It sucks.

Chuchi Bonhomme 8:16

When Miss Conglomeran was asked whether she would name the animal after herself, she punched a reporter in the face at the press conference.

Vaustad Conglomeran - Researcher 8:23

*Punching noise, reporter weeping* Why would I punish myself like that?

Chuchi Bonhomme 8:28

I sat down with this spirited scientist for a brief interview earlier today. This is a highlight of that interview. Dr. Is this, and I don't know quite how to put it a depressing use of your doctorate. That's not quite right. Is it though? Is this? Is this your life's biggest disappointment?

Vaustad Conglomeran - Researcher 8:48

Look, Chuchi, you get into science hoping to make a difference in the world. But then you discover this thing and I don't know, maybe I should have been a dancer and the world wouldn't have to look at this wretched creature.

Chuchi Bonhomme 8:59

Indeed, I don't know how to break this to you. Hopefully this isn't something you're hearing for the first time. But I think it's fair to say this- this might very well be the worst animal.

Vaustad Conglomeran - Researcher

Someone said they'd rather poke their eyes out instead of look at it, and I get it! I hear you. Nobody knows this animal sucks more than me.

Chuchi Bonhomme 9:19

But scientists can't just get rid of it, Horace. It's against a moral code that they have to... take some sort of test on or something. So it's up to venture capitalists to solve the problem of the ugliest animal in the world. Billionaire Peter Thiel has already inquired about whether the animal tastes good, and how much it might cost to eat, especially if it's the only one of its kind. Alice Walton, heir to the Walmart fortune, has stated she could build a store on it with the bricks potentially crushing the shitpilius if a bulldozer clear cutting the Amazon didn't do the job first. And tech mogul Mark Cuban has suggested building an app to crowdsource the elimination of the animal and any others that belong to its species. I know this reporter would rather throw himself down the stairs then look at this horrible little goblin-faced muck monster ever again. Mark Cuban's app simply cannot come soon enough. I'm sharpening my knives Horace and putting the black stuff under my eyes. Is it paint? I think it might be paint. There's an Extinction Level Event coming Horace and its name is Chuchi Bonhomme.

Horace Wexler 10:27

Alright, thanks very much Chuchi. Happy Hunting out there. It's wonderful to see the free market economy attacking this problem and, and God willing, we'll put the shitpilius on the endangered lists, and then shotgun it off to hang out with the dodos. And now turning to local news.

Interstitial 10:44

When news breaks, we're there.

Horace Wexler 10:49

The SandWedge has announced a contest to eat the city's hottest sandwich- seems like a pretty low bar to clear if you ask me as there's not a lot of spicy sandwiches out there. The sandwich called the 'Hole in Bun' features a habanero potato bun with a hole in it stuffed with raw Thai green chilies, a scorpion pepper glazed chicken breast and ghost pepper mayo. The lettuce is blasted with chipotle and it's served with jalapeno pickled tomatoes, big slabs of beet and served in a bowl filled to the brim with extra hot Tabasco where it floats like a catamaran after a hurricane with a glob of wasabi begging to be rescued. That's me editorializing because the fact that this is written down on my sheet as some form of news to read is irritating and frankly, a little bit depressing. So go eat a spicy soggy sandwich. If that's news to you, then Congratulations. You've just been newsed.

Here's some additional local information that aw hell, okay this is more like news than the sandwich thing- The news continues! The mayor's Day celebration is just three short months away. People are signing up to join the float creation committees the festival celebration committees, the honorarium committee, the committee for naming committees, and the shitter Committee, which was clearly established before the committee for naming committees was commissioned. But there's no committee for establishing the theme of the mayor's Day celebration that falls to us good people have Fakahatchee to decide. Though, if you were a jerk, you could argue it means we're really all on just one giant committee that we didn't actually volunteer for but- come on guy. The town will be deciding the theme soon. And to get in on all that creative fun. We'll be talking themes tonight on my show NightDrive. There have been some really charming themes in the past, for example, who could forget 1983 when the theme was the A-Team, but a good portion of the town hadn't seen the show, so they thought the theme was just a team. Boy, I understand. Some folks were quite surprised when a mohawked man clad in gold chains started pretend firing a very realistic looking machine gun from a float into the crowd. Plinth Foresythe of the Fakahatchee museum and heritage society shared that little tidbit with me earlier. Lot a- lot of fun history happens around the mayor's Day parade and celebration. So I will be talking about all of the ideas you have for themes. Maybe you're sitting on a real humdinger. That's your word, not mine. I don't use the word humdinger. Maybe you've been sitting on it for ages now. I want to hear 'em! We'll talk about 'em. Should be a real nice evening. Again. That's coming up tonight at five o'clock on NightDrive for Fakahatchee radio KfAK I'm Horace Wexler.

Interstitial 13:24

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