Baysbahn Body Confirmed Murder

By Hank Crimbo

A recent body of an unidentified individual found lying in a pool of red liquid has been ruled a murder according to city councilmember Richard Baysbahn. Baysbahn the owner of the property Baysbahn Mercantile where the body was found cited the ongoing sheriff's investigation as a reason he was unable to give any additional details about the case including the identity of the victim.

"We need to stay calm. And yes that includes Deputy Tucker who's irrational fear of ants has caused him to panic and tread all over an active crime scene."

Deputy Tucker, disputed the irrational nature of Baysbahn's comment.

"I thought they were in my pants, Baysbahn! In my pants with my twig and testes."

While people working with intimate knowledge of the case have remained tight-lipped on the subject others are starting to worry this victim could be linked to a secretive man calling in to local radio shows referring to himself as 'Hot Sauce Man.'