Weird Weather Paints Town Red
By Shelby Higgenbottom
Citizens of our town were shocked and stunned earlier this evening when just after half past eight a massive sound seemed to move through the sky accompanied by what seemed to be accompanied by fluctuations in the power grid. The intense noise set off car alarms made local dogs bark and forced people to clutch their ears in agony. But the skies weren’t finished according to local weirdo Chippy Dumper-
“I felt a drop and thought my nose was bleeding and then I looked up and saw like a slit in the sky and suddenly there were a bunch of other drops and I was getting drenched in blood like a human tampon.’
It’s an absolutely unnecessary way to describe the nature of the rain that followed the noise. The air was filled with the smell of iron and a thick mist of what we can now positively identify as blood, drenching the town and making small puddles at every corner. The circumstances behind this event currently remain unknown.
Reactions from local citizens have veered from the wildly ecstatic to fear and an increasing level of anxiety and a worry about what may be come next.
Dakota Pittsburgh, South Florida's only metalhead-meteorologist weighed in-
This is absolute bad ass. Blood rain? So metal. This has been mentioned before in Homer's Illiad and the King Arthur legend but to have this happen in Fakahatchee is absolutely bitchin and 100% some Iron Maiden s**t! This is why I became a weather man.”
"People should just buckle in and live it up man. This is some heavy f**king weather. I'd be shocked if Avenged Sevenfold didn't write a superanthem about this. "
Frank Tromboner, a local roofer in the middle of a large reroofing project, took a very different view of the weather expressing dissatisfaction with the event.
"I don't like it. I don't want it. And I certainly didn't vote for this."
Nobody has been able to answer to determine the cause or if the blood rain and accompanying scream were due to climate change.