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Competitor Removed After Uttering Racist Slur

Dud Dog's Dirty Discourse

By Shelby Higgenbottom

The crowd's faces soured when they heard. A child cried. Some of the judges weren't sure what to do. Thankfully, the bylaws of the Fakahatchee Kennel Club were ready and waiting for Burton P. Whiskers.

"We had to disqualify him according to the rules." said Judge Phranitz. "An absolutely beautiful Yorkshire terrier, lovely coat, fine gait, absolutely filthy mouth. He was a front runner." Phranitz shook her head sadly. She wiped a tear away as she said she'd never seen something like this in her ten years as a judge of the Fakahatchee Pooch Pageant. And she wasn't the only one.

"I've never heard a dog bark something like that before." said Sharice Mclandong, a rival's owner, who was also present. "I don't know who trained him to do this or if he learned it on his own, but I was absolutely appalled to hear something like that here." Other attendees echoed Sharice's sentiment. A Local dog groomer pointed out the diversity of the dogs in attendance as proof that not all of the dogs felt that way.

"...I was absolutely appalled to hear something like that here."

"It's sad to see one dog's poor choices reflect poorly on some of the others. I'd certainly hate for them to all be dismissed as racist based solely off what one puppy snapped at another in a moment of stress."

Eye witnesses did report that the dog was especially tired after the talent portion of the pageant but one bystander followed up by pointing out that, "Tired doesn't make up for character flaws."

Burton P. Whiskers refused to comment.

Crime Up On Briden Avenue

By Hank Crimbo

Many of us no longer go down to William Briden Ave. Previously, a charming little street full of lively drinking establishments where drinks and music would spill out into the street in a European fashion. It's now started to turn ugly as misdemeanors and low grade assaults have skyrocketed 20% in recent months. Uriah Codesnip had to find somewhere else to drink. "I was feeling pretty safe for awhile. I'd put a tennis ball on my walker if I was in one territory. And take it off in another. But at one point I got a little mixed up."

That mix-up would cost Mr. Codesnip twenty stitches when the 8th street Dust Kings caught him with tennis balls on his walker. "I was just cruising for some dirty leg and well..." Mr. Codesnip stares off into the distance his retinas still slightly bloody from the beating he received. "I didn't like what I found."

A spokesman for the 8th Street Dust Kings who refused to be identified, accused Mr. Codesnip of being a 'fake Peruvian' and suggested he got off light. "Maybe Mr. Codesnip should take his puzzling somewhere else or next time we'll take a jigsaw to him and I'm not taking about a thousand piece picture of hot air balloons. " Sheriff Bud Nichols has suggested what happened to Mr. Codesnip was an outlier as he's only really seen an increase in disturbance and intoxication calls. Regardless, he's convinced the department has the situation well in hand. To that end, he's introduced a new program utilizing some of the members of his Trailblazers program. But until we being to see some results this reporter will be doing his cornholing and puzzles elsewhere.