Sky Screams. Blood Rains. Citizens Panic?
Weird Weather Paints Town Red
By Shelby Higgenbottom
Citizens of our town were shocked and stunned earlier this evening when just after half past eight a massive sound seemed to move through the sky accompanied by what seemed to be accompanied by fluctuations in the power grid. The intense noise set off car alarms made local dogs bark and forced people to clutch their ears in agony. But the skies weren’t finished according to local weirdo Chippy Dumper-
“I felt a drop and thought my nose was bleeding and then I looked up and saw like a slit in the sky and suddenly there were a bunch of other drops and I was getting drenched in blood like a human tampon.’
It’s an absolutely unnecessary way to describe the nature of the rain that followed the noise. The air was filled with the smell of iron and a thick mist of what we can now positively identify as blood, drenching the town and making small puddles at every corner. The circumstances behind this event currently remain unknown.
Reactions from local citizens have veered from the wildly ecstatic to fear and an increasing level of anxiety and a worry about what may be come next.
'To have this happen in Fakahatchee is absolutely bitchin and 100% some Iron Maiden s**t! This is why I became a weather man!'
Dakota Pittsburgh, South Florida's only metalhead-meteorologist weighed in-
This is absolute bad ass. Blood rain? So metal. This has been mentioned before in Homer's Illiad and the King Arthur legend but to have this happen in Fakahatchee is absolutely bitchin and 100% some Iron Maiden s**t! This is why I became a weather man.”
"People should just buckle in and live it up man. This is some heavy f**king weather. I'd be shocked if Avenged Sevenfold didn't write a superanthem about this. "
Frank Tromboner, a local roofer in the middle of a large reroofing project, took a very different view of the weather expressing dissatisfaction with the event.
"I don't like it. I don't want it. And I certainly didn't vote for this."
Nobody has been able to answer to determine the cause or if the blood rain and accompanying scream were due to climate change.
Baysbahn Body Confirmed Murder
By Hank Crimbo
A recent body of an unidentified individual found lying in a pool of red liquid has been ruled a murder according to city councilmember Richard Baysbahn. Baysbahn the owner of the property Baysbahn Mercantile where the body was found cited the ongoing sheriff's investigation as a reason he was unable to give any additional details about the case including the identity of the victim.
"We need to stay calm. And yes that includes Deputy Tucker who's irrational fear of ants has caused him to panic and tread all over an active crime scene."
Deputy Tucker, disputed the irrational nature of Baysbahn's comment.
"I thought they were in my pants, Baysbahn! In my pants with my twig and testes."
While people working with intimate knowledge of the case have remained tight-lipped on the subject others are starting to worry this victim could be linked to a secretive man calling in to local radio shows referring to himself as 'Hot Sauce Man.'
Six Million Dollar Grant Issued By President to Answer Question: 'Is Hot Dog Just An Antifa Taco?'
By Hank Crimbo
President Trump still has plenty of time in office before the inauguration of president-elect Joe Biden and he seems to be making the most of it by focusing America's future on science and answering the tough questions. After announcing the grant early tuesday morning on twitter he spoke at a rally in Moesha, WI late last night:
'We love hot dogs right folks? Big beautiful dogs. So hot. So hot. With the ketchup. But it's come to my attention these hot dogs could be a trap. A liberal trap to trick us- trick you- into eating a taco. This man came up to me with tears in his eyes. He said, 'Sir!' That's what he said. 'Sir. I think antifa attacked my lunch.' Sad. We love our lunch don't we folks?'
The president has announced there will be zero oversight on this grant and that he hopes to eat some of the experiments.