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New Breed Of Bars A Ticking Time Bomb For Public Safety

New Breed of Bars Bring Boomers to Briden

By Shelby Higgenbottom

During the day most of them sit empty and lonely looking over a quiet stretch of William Briden Ave but right after the earlybird dinner specials they come alive with bright lights, loud Sinatra and booze, booze booze. These are the ‘Boomer Brewhalls’ a loosely connected series of bars taverns catering specifically to our city’s old people. With names like ‘The Country Club,’ ‘Briscoe’s Bingo Bonanza’ and “LBJs’ and sporting senior focused activities like shuffleboard, charleston nights, and a refusal to acknowledge we lost vietnam, it’s no wonder they’re packed with our grandfathers and grandmothers. However,  some of the neighbors, like Ochoa Tamariq, want them gone.


“I don’t care who they are or what war they won. It’s been really tough to have all these drunken seniors here night after night. Some of them don’t see well, a few are incontinent, and they’re constantly yelling at each other because they’ve left their hearing aids in the bathroom after doing god knows what to each other. It’s ruining the neighborhood.” 

"..they’re constantly yelling at each other because they’ve left their hearing aids in the bathroom after doing god knows what to each other."

Local officials agree with Ms. Tamariq, citing especially slow moving cars holding up traffic through the neighborhood. “But it’s not really the cars I’m worried about,” said council member Richard Baysbahn. “Many of these seniors have alternate modes of transportation that normal rules of the road don’t apply to. I think it’s only a matter of time before one of these seniors- drunk as a skunk and tits akimbo hits a pedestrian with their three wheel tricycle- that pedestrian could be a mother, a daughter, even a nun if we had any here.“ 

Baysbahn said he’s ratcheting up pressure on the local sheriff to find creative ways to solve the issues that are posed by these drinking establishments but those efforts haven’t rendered any results so far. In the Fakahatchee Gazette’s opinion, it’s only a matter of time before someone gets hurt. 

Digging Tools Seen Moving In To Shoney's

By Shelby Higgenbottom

Eyewitnesses outside the cordoned off area outside the Shoney's reported seeing large earth moving tools being brought into the area in the middle of the night. "It seemed like a weird time to be doing any sort of remodeling." said a youth who asked to remain anonymous. 


The federal government has seized control of the Shoney's and its immediate shopping center but have made no effort to inform the public as to what is happening within or why.


There is no current date for Shoney's reopening or when we'll get our mouths around some more of those cracklin' breadsticks.


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