Mastica Ennui Transmission Levels Hit New Low
Transmission Levels of Disease Plunge
By Shelby Higgenbottom
It seems like we in Fakahatchee might be just a little bit safer for this week- at least from the current health crisis known as mastica ennui.
Earlier today, Dr. Leonard ‘Skinny’ Scroggins, head of Fakahatchee’s mastica ennui response, unveiled community spread results at a closed door city council meeting. While the Fakahatchee Gazette was not privy to this meeting we were able to secure transcripts of the doctors presentation including the results of his research. Effectively, his results showed the spread of the disease, commonly known as ‘Bored Mouth,’ has reached zero. While these are somewhat surprising, if true, they are not unwelcome.
We have printed a partial transcript of the presentation below.
“We’re not currently seeing any potential spread of mastica ennui. Which means any cases we did see seem to have metastasized from one large initial event- like a burst or explosion. What that event is, we have not been able to determine so far. *Loud Crunching*
But this is how science works. You kind of just cross stuff off until you’re like, ‘uh yeah. Okay, guess it’s this.
The only thing we can currently rule out is a bacterial infection of some kind. *More Chewing* But this is how science works. You kind of just cross stuff off until you’re like, ‘uh yeah. Okay, guess it’s this.’ *long suck on straw.* ”
Mr. Baysbahn applauded the hard work Dr. Scroggins has been undertaking, though he was unable to cite what that work actually was or what it might have included. He concluded that Dr. Scroggins deserved a medal for his public service and if such a medal did not exist that it should be constructed; it was a resolution that passed unanimously. Neither Dr. Scroggins or the city council members wished to comment on record for this article.
While the spread has been reduced to zero that hasn’t been much of a relief to sufferers, who have been unable to taste food for weeks now, with many still suffering from other less talked about side effects like explosive bloody noses, tinnitus and disappointed colon. While Fakahatchee seems to be turning the corner it seems for some of us we have not yet reached the end of this long road.
Body Found Behind Baysbahn Property
By Hank Crimbo
According to a spokesman for the sheriff’s department a body was found behind Baysbahn Mercantile at five o’clock this morning. The body was drenched in what deputies initially believe to be blood. The substance has been sent to the lab for examination. Next of kin has not yet been notified pending an ID of the body.
Deputy Tucker, who asked not to be identified, spoke briefly with us- "We're gonna have to spray the body down real good because the red stuff is just all over it. Which is not ideal if you're trying to see who someone is. It was also starting to attract ants. And bleh- ants just give me the willies. "
The sheriff's department has not yet ruled it a murder and as such, have no suspect.
(More on this story as it develops)
Screaming Into The Void Unlikely to Help
By Hank Crimbo
NASA based scientists issued a startling report today based off recent experiments performed by American Astronauts conducted onboard the ISS. Their results were boldly conclusive- 'no matter how hard or how loud you scream into the unending inky void of space things are unlikely to change.' Some private sector scientists have stated this overlooks the quantifiable emotional well-being of such an activity which can increase sanity by .006 to .008 percent.