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New Mayor Traps Citizens In Five O'clock Hour

A New Mayor's New Decree

By Shelby Higgenbottom

The crowd cheered and faces lit up when Mikey DuSoleil was declared the new mayor of Fakahatchee. But some of the smiles are already starting to show the strain in the wake of the mayor's first official act. A drunken DuSoleil, still celebrating his win over a slew of other candidates, declared it 'always five o'clock here.' While it seemed like this was perhaps the jest of a man who had imbibed too much rum his follow-up call to the sheriff Bud Nichols to make sure it was enforced showed he was not joking.

“My first though was 'woah' we're gonna have a bunch of drunk people but then I realized it wasn't just about the booze he literally only wants it to be five o'clock here. Not five-oh-one or five ten. Five on the dot.’ - Sheriff Nichols

A few citizens have expressed reservations, longing for the previous mayor but even more have popped the cork turning Main Street into a hell of a party. The 8th Street Dust Kings have already expressed drunken interest in trying to make the state's largest ever daquiri and have already started building a giant tiki float they say will float inside the daquiri. 


'I think people are going to be amazed when they see it floating in the daquiri." 

Royston Bongdonor, a member of the Dust Kings- "We didn't think he (the mayor) was joking when he said it. So we immediately drew up plans and I think people are going to be amazed when they see it floating in the daquiri. And if we never actually mix that giant daquiri well... it's just a great big thing for us to get drunk on and that's fine too. We'll probably throw things at the T-ball walkers from it.” 

Frank Tromboner, a local roofer in the middle of a large reroofing project that will never end, took a very different view of the mayor's decree expressing intense dissatisfaction with the hour.


"Five o'clock sucks. I don't like it. I don't want it. And I certainly didn't vote for this. I'm not alone in thinking this. Sure I'm alone on this roof but not alone in thinking something needs to be done." 

UPDATED: We reached out to the Mayor's office for a comment on this story and received this respons- "The mayor never jokes and should never be considered to be joking even if he's stated something he said is a joke. We all know he's the life of any party he attends and I think we can both agree the mayor is a serious man about being casual. The mayor will have more thoughts and opinions and we respectfully request that they be treated with the dignity, that both he and his post command.

Crumbler Farms Bankrupt

By Hank Crimbo

Family-run grocery store Crumbler Farms has recently found itself in a struggle to survive. Robard Crumbler Sr. the CEO and founder of the embattled store was removed from his role in running the company by his children late last month.


Robard Crumbler Jr., new CEO and former mayoral candidate, has stated the finances of the company are pretty grim and it would take some sort of miracle or community outreach to save the store from bankruptcy. 

"My sister and I have both spent time on Wall Street so if there's anyone who can turn this store around it's us and our fancy New York ways that you small town rubes wouldn't understand. We're our own miracle."

The founder, Robard Crumbler Sr., who's said to have suffered a stroke at some point over the last year, remains in great spirits and is looking forward to joining Briden Ave gang, the T-Ball Walkers, for an open house later this week. 


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