CITY ERUPTS OVER MAYOR MURDER
By Shelby Higgenbottom
Many are mourning the death of Mayor Luis Vaminos this week and yet many more are celebrating with fireworks, man-sized pinatas and mayor shaped smashcakes. Mayor Luis Vaminos was a divisive figure, a firebrand who would often go his own way and lightning rod for controversy. He had declared in the past that, ‘true leaders always had a target on their back.’ while it was likely he meant it in a political sense it’s become a damning prophecy in light of his death.
It’s likely the Mayor will be remembered best for his official acts and executive orders, one of which led to the direct starvation of this reporter’s favorite ducks and left a hole in the ecosystem quickly filled by aggressive flesh-eating murder geese. He frequently legislated on his own arguing he could fix things with a pen faster than anyone else and even faster if he could do it with a text message while on a toilet. A statement that frequently chafed city council member Skeet Barlow’s sense of civics and decency-
"Government shouldn’t be taking place on the toilet."
And yet it did with just a few of the mayor’s many enacted policies including:
Banning ghosts and their ilk.
Banning soft serve ice cream for looking like 'butt pudding.'
Making the official spelling of the word ‘sandwich’ - sammich.
Banning pants for women.
Tougher sentencing laws for plants convicted of crimes.
And a policy entitled ‘Stop and Trisk’ where if someone stopped you to ask for a triscuit cracker you had to be able to provide them one.
“I suspect that many thought when he disappeared he had embezzled a ton of money and taken off for nicer beaches and that was fine." said Skeet Barlow. "At least we’d be done with him. Instead we found out he embezzled money but then died before we could figure out what he’d done with it.”
The mayor was found inside of a beached killer whale with three bullet holes in his head and was identified by some teeth found in the front pocket of his Tommy Bahama shirt. The investigation into the exact cause of death is currently ongoing. But Sheriff Nichols has promised to get to the bottom of it. Additionally, members of the city council have stated their desire for justice, if justice is something that’s needed here.
Sheriff Nichols - “I mean there’s a lot of possibilities here. He shoots himself and gets eaten by a killer whale. He gets eaten by a killer whale and then he shoots himself- that’s the one I find most grisly. Three- someone else shot him and fed him to a killer whale. I mean it could be almost anything and if someone shot him it could be almost anyone. We’ve all got guns here. It's Florida.