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© 2019 Fakahatchee Gazette. 

  • Shelby Higgenbottom

Fakahatchee to Moms: Get Gone You Mothers!

Fakahatchee held it's breath today as protest group One Million Mommies came to town and what was supposed to be a short stopover turned frightening. Low blood sugar and a cancellation of a 'Diagnosis Murder' marathon left the mommies with opinions and vitriol. After draining the town of wine coolers, it wasn't long before the drunk mothers began looking for an outlet for their aggression ultimately deciding to aim it at Fakahatchee because of it's recent 'Anti-ghost' legislation.


Citizens fled as the mommies hurled guilt trips and molotov cocktails. Many sheltered in place and Business owners did whatever they could do to protect their property, from pasting pictures of babies clad in tiny costumes on their store windows to strategically deploying puppies and grand kids to distract the mommies.


This photo was not cute enough to keep the Circle-K from burning.

But some weren't so lucky, like Reffith Hermance who runs the local smoke shop.

"I did everything I could but in the end it wasn't worth my life to try and protect these flavored vapes. So many smokables gone up in... er- smoke"

Several other stores sustained serious fire damage as the Fakahatchee Fire Department leapt into action to contain the damage. Citizens looked to mayor Luis Vaminos- who was nowhere to be found during the carnage. In spite of the Mayor's absence, relief efforts began quickly spearheaded by Richard Baysbahn and some of the other city council members declaring:

"It's unacceptable he hasn't shown his face. This is when we need the mayor the absolute most. With a close second being the Mayor's day parade. "

Baysbahn stated he thought it was because the mayor was, "a coward who's afraid of fires." While he didn't state it explicitly I could tell he thought The Mayor was a big ole piece of shit with lumber for brains and the body of too many potatoes in a tube top.


The Mayor's office has refuted this, attempting to push back and regain control of the narrative. Sugar Jones, head of public relations for Vaminos, "The Mayor's no coward. The bravery with which he faced his terrible tummy trouble last evening after eating too many jalapenos was no act of a coward. You want to talk fires? He still can't sit down. But everything you've said about his body with the potatoes is pretty on point."


A volunteer walks a constituent through a petition to recall the mayor

But as rumblings of a recall election have started to spread among the citizens, it might be too little too late. If true, the mayor's time could quickly becoming to an end. The mommies have since sobered up and left town in search of some outlet stores.


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