• Shelby Higgenbottom

Mastica Ennui Transmission Levels Hit New Low

Transmission Levels of Disease Plunge​

By Shelby Higgenbottom

It seems like we in Fakahatchee might be just a little bit safer for this week- at least from the current health crisis known as mastica ennui.


Earlier today, Dr. Leonard ‘Skinny’ Scroggins, head of Fakahatchee’s mastica ennui response, unveiled community spread results at a closed door city council meeting. While the Fakahatchee Gazette was not privy to this meeting we were able to secure transcripts of the doctors presentation including the results of his research. Effectively, his results showed the spread of the disease, commonly known as ‘Bored Mouth,’ has reached zero. While these are somewhat surprising, if true, they are not unwelcome.

We have printed a partial transcript of the presentation below.

We’re not currently seeing any potential spread of mastica ennui. Which means any cases we did see seem to have metastasized from one large initial event- like a burst or explosion. What that event is, we have not been able to determine so far. *Loud Crunching*


The only thing we can currently rule out is a bacterial infection of some kind. *More Chewing* But this is how science works. You kind of just cross stuff off until you’re like, ‘uh yeah. Okay, guess it’s this.’ *long slurp on straw.* ”


Mr. Baysbahn applauded the hard work Dr. Scroggins has been undertaking, though he was unable to cite what that work actually was or what it might have included. He concluded that Dr. Scroggins deserved a medal for his public service and if such a medal did not exist that it should be constructed; it was a resolution that passed unanimously.


Neither Dr. Scroggins or the city council members wished to comment on record for this article.

While the spread has been reduced to zero that hasn’t been much of a relief to sufferers, who have been unable to taste food for weeks now, with many still suffering from other less talked about side effects like explosive bloody noses, tinnitus and disappointed colon. While Fakahatchee seems to be turning the corner it seems for some of us we have not yet reached the end of this long road.

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