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© 2019 Fakahatchee Gazette. 

  • Shelby Higgenbottom

Severed Leg found; Fakahatchee Recoils, Ponies Up To See Gross Gam

BY Shelby Higgenbottom

Main St. This Morning

As we brace ourselves with coffee each morning to face the day ahead few of us expect the shocking or uncanny wiles of the world to reveal itself before us. But that's exactly what Sheriff Bud Nichols came face to face with this morning upon receiving a phone call that Steve Vraden known more popularly as Alleyway Steve had found a man's leg on Main Street.

Sheriff Nichols, in his late 40's with lightly greying hair at his temples squinted as he gave his short press briefing. His eyes already looked tired and it was barely 10am. "I mean, I feel like I've done just about all I could. I know some people have clamored for the officers in our department to do more but to those people- you tell me what we should do. Why do I have to have all of the ideas?"

Sheriff's Deputy checking out the "sweet pic" of the leg he took.

​By the Sheriff's account they acted swiftly and decisively. When the calls started coming in that Alleyway Steve was waving a severed man's leg around they immediately dispatched a car to pick him up.


"We didn't arrest him because there's nothing to arrest him for. We gave him a stiff grilling and also investigated the area around 'I Scents Things,' you know, the occult candle shop, for any weirdness." The sheriff paused to choose his next words carefully-


"But we couldn't find a single thing. Nothin' Steve related and no sort of dark magic from the witch who lives there. Finally we gave in an just issued Steve a permit for that damn severed leg. He's now charging folk to see it."

It's that license that has several detractors up in arms. And some people on the city council, who refused to go on record, claim the Sheriff, "should have done more" with one person even stating "he didn't even use his gun! What kind of lazy police work is that?"


Some have focused on the actual leg and it's disturbing arrival. Though opinion on it's origins currently seem split with the more reasonable group positing this is a Duck Winter's issue directly stemming from the 2nd gator farm that recently opened next to Beauregard Elementary School. A claim Duck Winters continues to vehemently deny.

Others, like Jermain Cloot, claim that the leg is somehow linked to the power outage last night. "Maybe it was blown off someone. I'd like to believe electricity can do that."

I paid Alleyway Steve to obtain a viewing of the leg and after an unexpected song and dance number he opened the curtain to reveal it. In this reporter's opinion the clean, almost machine like cut along the thigh and the lack of any other burns or abrasions means the theory is currently hurting for anything beyond wishful evidence.

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